MUMBAI MERI YAWN….- Random thoughts of an ‘outsider’

Mumbai is an immigrant city. A city filled with homeless people and a ‘home’ to none. It is very easy to feel lost in the sheer number of humanity. The vast expanses from Colaba to Kalyan dwarfs the sense of distance travelled in other Indian metros. Ironically, the city also offers a sense of privacy and it is quite easy to revel in your own sweet world. Jostling for an extra inch of space on the crowded local, it isn’t strange to experience a feeling of infinite personal room.

The monsoons are something that is a quintessential part of the city cycle. It never rains in Mumbai. It drips, trickles and drizzles insolently & incessantly for days together. The rains are as unpredictable as the English weather. (Not that I’ve ever set foot in England! But still…). The first piece of advice I received in Mumbai goes thus- “Bombay rain& Bombay girl. Dunno when it come, when it go” .Coming to think of it, that’s the best counsel I’ve obtained about the city.

There are a lot of blokes who glorify the pseudo-cosmopolitan aura of Mumbai city- the “liberal” values and the “fast life”. The word Cosmopolitan essentially means being free of provincial attachments, parochial attitudes, interests and prejudices. It symbolizes a worldly belonging, outlook not just restricted to one region.But, Cosmopolitan has a very narrow definition for a Mumbaikar – Sporting flea market rollouts of fashion garb and engaging in PDA. They assume a sort of cannibalistic pride in stating that people can smooch anywhere in the city. What’s more, they often challenge unsuspecting outsiders (like me), asking if such a thing is possible in Chennai (or wherever the hell, the stupid bloke came from). What a yardstick to measure the greatness of Mumbai! The reality is, it is not just smooching that is ‘performed’ in public, people eat, sleep, shit, fight, fornicate and solicit in public. I have a nagging suspicion that this might be vaguely connected to the “space crunch” in Mumbai. But, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, it’s the cosmopolitan nature of the city.

It is appalling to see 5-6 people piling up in a dingy one bedroom apartment and trying to make a life of it. Maybe, it is an outcome of the ‘chawl’ culture that accompanied the cotton mill boom. People swallow everything- their pride, freedom, comfort and happiness for the all encompassing big city. The city in turn consumes them all- without bias, without a trace. But, yes. It is true. Somewhere in this tumultuous existence people find happiness or at least a reason to be happy.
I’m forever trying to fathom- what is it that makes Mumbai, the city it is?
Big Bright Malls
The city is replete with malls and shopping plazas. I must admit that the city is one of the best places to shop in India. There are goods that fit every pocket and every size. But, pockets seldom stay static. There is always space for needs and greed- for the ever expanding bulge.
Restaurants & Bars
One of the few things I really like about Mumbai is the abundance of eat-outs, hotels and ice cream parlors. Due to the diverse immigrant population it is easy to run into modest joints that serve cuisine as exotic as Kashmiri, Marwari or Konkani. There are also plenty of ‘lunch homes’- which are seedy restaurants with an attached permit room. I’m a teetotaler and it doesn’t matter much to me. But, outsiders generally salivate at the abundance of lit-up wine shop boards. It’s a pity though that hardly any place serves authentic south Indian food. The Sāmbhar is painfully sweet and the popular mode of consuming dosa is with a fork (beat that!). Talking about food, vada pav is synonymous with Mumbai. It’s a little bizarre though for a southie like me who has grown up eating plain aloo bonda, to suddenly place it between an innocuous looking piece of bread!
Autos
The auto rickshaws in Mumbai are the best thing about the city (the suburbs, actually). There is no haggling or negotiating. The autos strictly adhere to the fare and almost always agree to take you to your destination. A few basic Hindi words for directions and one would feel comfortable and secure travelling by auto even late at night.
Local Trains
To be truly baptized by the city, one needs to travel in the local train at peak hours. It’s a hellish experience but helps one adjust to the travails of the city. The stations are like any Indian railway station but immensely crowded with a sea of people, swift warm north Atlantic currents flowing in and out simultaneously. When I’m present amidst that sea, it feels like my entire life is similar to living in a prison complex – convicts moving along a line and ticket collectors standing at vantage points- ala prison guards.
A mega village
Mumbai is a city only in parts. Beyond the arterial roads dotted with bright malls and corporate offices, the city largely consists of hundreds and hundreds of villages. It is quite possible to live in parts of the city and feel like being in a remote rural Indian town. It can often be noticed that people from the same village live on a single lane. There are generations of poor families who grow up and live in the jhopadpattis of Mumbai without ever learning a word of English. They live a cocooned life in the cosmopolitan city of Mumbai.
This is Bombay man!
That’s the famous and oft repeated phrase to reinforce the potency of the city. It can be used in any context. If you’ve had a rough ride in the local train, a man who landed up in the city a week earlier would pat your shoulder and say “this is Bombay man”. If you quiz your landlord on why a person needs to cough up a fortune for a dingy room, all he offers to say is “this is Bombay man”. If you’re wondering as to why the filth on the roads have not been cleared for weeks together, everyone from the street urchin to the wily CEO has a simple answer- “this is Bombay man”. I find it really amusing to witness girls wear the skimpiest halters while skillfully navigating lanes replete with slush, heaps of rotting garbage and human excreta. Take the image of a girl walking down the ramp at say the wills lifestyle fashion week and juxtapose it with a street filled with puddles of muddy water, dirt and open sewage. Only a Mumbaikar can live in such oblivion to their stark surroundings. After all, “this is Bombay man!”




Mumbai Dictionary
 *“1 Bedroom Apartment” –A small room where nothing more than a single bed would fit in. In hindsight, a self explanatory phrase.
 “Cutting” – A 1 by 2 glass of tea at the local chai shop. It greatly amused me as fellow ‘southies’ use the word for a more potent concoction.
 “Abhey! Kkkuuuurrrrrrla” – the blood curling battle cry emanating from a fellow passenger on the crowded local when he wants to alight at kurla station. It is often accompanied by brutal shoves and colorful words that relate to an individual’s mother and sister.
 “Haan” – An extremely handy word uttered by ‘southies’ when faced with a strong barrage of incomprehensible Hindi lines. It works best with an unfazed expression and a periodically nodding head.
 “Marathi maanu”- it doesn’t matter what it means, but don’t ever piss off a Marathi maanu. Period.